What the Hell do I call this!
by The Saiyan
Summary: Harry and Voldemort travel together to find the mysterious person spreading lies about them...Yes I know very sucky summary. Just read please and help me with a better title
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter nor anything else so please dont sue

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Voldemort tapped his fingers as he sat on his chair as he waited impatiently for Severus to return from his scouting mission. If one is to defeat the opponent then one must learn all they can. "Where the hell is he?" Voldemort shouted as he activated the mark. He smirked as Severus returned a few seconds after words. 'Never fails' he thought "Severus. You are late. Now what do you have to report?"

Severus winced as he remembered what happened to the last death eater that was late for a meeting with his lord. In fact they're still cleaning up what little remains of him. If it wasn't for the fact that he was the only one capable of doing such a mission, he would have been worse then dead. "They are suspicious of Lucius Malfoy and are currently trying to take him into custody. And the Potter boy is getting lessons at Hogwarts personally from the new headmaster."

"Excellent. Now begone before I change my mind about killing you." Voldemort said as he watched Severus poof away with a hint of gleam in his eyes. Oh how he loves seeing the fear that he portrays in people. 'Hm...' He mused "I wonder who won the game between New London and Japan in the Quiddich Finals. " He said as he made his way to the local villains News Stand to receive a copy of The Daily Prophet.

"That'll be 3 Galleons and 7 Sickles sir" The paperboy shouted.

Voldemort paid the boy grumbling "3 Galleons and 7 Sickles. Thats highway robbery! These types of prices should be outlawed!" Voldemort opened the paper not really paying attention to the front page. "Hm... Hogwarts gotten a new Potions teacher...hey I recognize him...the fool couldn't teach a faerie that 2 + 2 can equal fish...Japan and New London tie for 3rd place...and Goku won first? Didn't even know he had a quiddich team." Flips the paper over to the front page. "Hey I'm front page news! Mom will be so proud of me!. Lets see...Potter and Voldemort. Rivals to death or...secret lovers?...Well thats nice of the...wait, WHAT?" Continues to read on. "We all know of the tale of Voldemort and Harry. But is that the truth? An anonymous reporter has proof that states otherwise" Voldemort continued to read on, his anger growing. "When I find out who wrote this I will KILL HIM!" He looks around to find everyone looking at him. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT?" He strokes his pet snake to try and calm himself down. "Tell the other death eaters that I am heading out on a trip" With that he apparated out of the village

Meanwhile at Hogwarts

"Mmm Harry. That was great" Hermione moaned

"Ya Harry I'm glad that we did this instead of class" Ginny mused.

Harry smirked as he got up from under the covers and put on a pair of pants. 'Being the hero so rocks' He was about to put on a shirt when Voldemort poofed in with pretty pink smoke, which caused Harry to stumble back and fall on his ass "What the hell?"

Voldemort looked at Hermione and Ginny, a smirk on his face. "Wow Harry. I didn't think you would get them both. And at the same time too. Damn now I owe Sirius 20 bucks"

Ginny and Hermione blushed deep red as they tried their best to cover themselves up. Here was the greatest dark wizard to ever live and they where both in their birthday suits. Before they could do anything Voldemort raised his hand. "Don't start. I'm not here to kill you guys. At least not yet"

Harry looked at Voldemort with distrust in his eyes. "Why in the blue hells should I trust you. And how did you apparate into the castle grounds anyways?"

Voldemort shrugged. "It's a plot hole. Anyways have you seen today's paper?" He asked as he tossed it at Harry.

Harry looked at him still not trusting him then opened the paper. "...You came to tell me that Goku won the quiddich tournament? Does he even have a quiddich team?"

Voldemort growled and twacked Harry on the head. "Not that you idiot. Though it does make you wonder...Anyways look at the front page"

Harry flipped the paper and began to read. "srevol terces ro htaed ot slaviR tromedloV dna rettoP...What the hell does tha mean?"

Voldemort once again twacked Harry on the head. "You're holding the paper upside-down you fuck-head."

Harry grinned sheepishly as he turned the paper around and began to read it again " Potter and Voldemort. Rivals to death or secret lovers? Hm is that all you wanted to...WHAT THE HELL? WHO THE FUCK WROTE THIS?"

Hermione and Ginny, who where silent through this, started giggling as images of Harry and Voldemort went through their minds. Harry heard this and glared at the two. "Perverts" he muttered under his breath. "So now what do we do?"

Voldemort sighed. "Well we have to find out whoever this mysterious reporter is and like the mature adults that we are and unruly KICK HIS BLOODY ASS!"

"Well Voldy I'm afraid that there's only one team that can help us in a situation like this." Harry said as he pulled out a cell phone.

"Who are you calling?" Voldemort asked

Harry smiled "An old friend"

Meanwhile in another part of the world, a telephone rang. BELIEVE IT!

"Hello Scooby Doo Detective Agency"

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The Saiyan: So what do you think? Read and review and flamers will have hot dogs and marshmellows rosted on them 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I own nothing...YOU HEAR ME! NOTHING!. cough Um...onward with the story... BELIEVE IT!

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Hermione looked at Harry like he had two heads. "How did you do that? Muggle technology isn't supposed to work on Hogwarts grounds!" 

"Same way that Voldy managed to apparate here." Harry said not really caring how it worked.

Hermione fumed off muttering under her breath. "How dare they just go and destroy all logic...I'll show them."

Ginny managed to find all her clothing and was now fully dressed. "What's she mad about?"

"Somthing about me and Potter destroying all thats logical and will get us back for it...Or she just wanted a banana. I don't know. I could have paraphrased." Voldemort answered

"Probably wanted a banana" Harry said. "We're waisting too much time just talking. We need to find out who the hell wrote this damn story. As soon as the Scooby Doo Detective agency gets here we'll find out in no time"

Voldemort smiled. "Impressive."

Ginny smiled as well then frowned. "But Harry...did you even give them directions here?"

Harry started to nod then stoped as his eyes widened "...Ah crap"

Voldemort sighed and twacked Harry's head. "Idiot"

Ginny tended to Harry's head and glared at Voldemort. "Maybe instead of beating on people we should ask around the castle to see if anybody knows anything."

"Good idea...Ginny, right?" Voldemort asked. Ginny nodded. "Wow potter I'm impressed...I'm starting to wish that i made her my rival instead of you."

Harry glarred at him. "Let's just go allready." As soon as they left the room thye ran into Draco.

Draco had a knowing smirk on his face. Hello Potter. What brungs you here. Just so you know I don't swing that way so don't you dare start checking me out."

Harry growled as he reached for his want but Voldemort beat him to it. "Look you pretty boy wanna-be. You had better tell us what you know about that story or what I'll do to you will make you wish you where dead got that?"

Draco looked like he had just seen the kyuubi and stammered his answer. "F-f-f-fine. I'll tell you what I know." He walked over to a stage and grabed a mic. "I'm not wearing underware today! No I'm not wearing underware today! Not that you probably care much about my underware still none the less I got to say! That I'm not wearing underware to-DAAAAYYYYY!"

Clapping is heard from the background

A shout is heard from Pure BloodKay "GET A JOB!"

Draco flashes a smile "Thank you."

Harry smakes his head "Well so much for that idea...now what?"

Voldemort sighed once again before grabbing out his own cell phone. "Simple. We call someone else to help while we find out what we can."

Ginny looked in amusement. "And who are you going to call?"

"An old college of mine known as Meatwad"


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Do we really need one? I mean who in their right state of mind would think that I would own Harry Potter?

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"Damn it!" Voldemort screamed as he threw his cell phone at a student, which happened to be Ron.

"What the?" Ron screamed as he got nailed by the cell phone, which sent him hurdling down the stairs. "AHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY LEG!"

"What is it?" Harry asked, ignoring Ron's screams of pain

"He can't make it. Something about a Vampire bus." Voldemort sighed then realized what he did. "Ah damn it. I still had 4 more payments left on that thing too!"

"Ok...well what now?" Harry asked. It seemed that every plan that they came up with got screwed up one way or another...almost as if they where in some kind of crazy fanfiction...'Ya like THAT could ever happen.' Harry thought amused

'They really can't be that stupid an they?' Ginny thought with an anime sweat-drop. "Why don't we just go to the Daily Prophet building and ask who wrote it."

Both Harry and Voldemort looked at Ginny like this 00. "Ginny..." Voldemort started

"You're a genius!" Harry finished as he swept-ed Ginny in a huge bear hug.

"Harry...need...to...breath" Ginny stuttered as she turned a brilliant shade of blue

"Oh...Sorry Ginny" Harry said as he released his death grip on the poor red-head.

Voldemort gave an uncharacteristic smile. "You know what this means don't you?"

Harry thought for a bit then smiled back. "Yep"

Ginny, however, looked confused. "What does it mean?"

"ROAD TRIP!" Harry and Voldemort screamed at the top of their lungs.

Ginny held her ears and smacked them both. "I'm surrounded by idiots. Let's go."

Soon the three made their way to the teacher parking lot where they came across a large black van.

"So Voldy do you know how to hotwire?" Harry asked.

"But of course." Voldemort replied. But are you sure of this?

"What do you mean?" Harry asked confused.

"Well we're going on a road trip, not picking up the kids from soccer practice." Voldemort replied.

"But the color's nice." Harry responded.

"Hu? Oh ya. It'll hide the dirt real well." Voldemort responded.

"Yes and it gets good gas millage too." Harry nodded

"Really! But there's no cd player. But has decent speakers." Voldemort commented

"WE'RE TAKING MY CAR!" Ginny screamed as she pulled beside them in a pink convertible.

Both Voldemort and Harry looked at her. "Pink?" They asked at the same time.

"Ginny blushed a bit at this. "Just shut up and get in."

Meanwhile, AT THE HOGWARDS PARKING LOT...BELIEVE IT!"

Ron was crawling on the ground. "There. Now to reach that phone booth."

"GINNY! SLOW DOWN!" Voldemort's scream could be heard

"Hu?" Ron looked around and seen a pink streak in the distance.

"Oh be quiet. I'm doing the speed limit." Ginny replied smoothly

"Ginny the speed limit is 5, NOT 505!" Harry screamed as he held onto Voldemort for dear life

"Ron watched as the pink got closer and closer until..."Oh bloody he..."

BUMP

"What was that?" Harry asked

"I don't know but whatever it is it's gonna be in serious pain." Voldemort answered

'MY OTHER LEG!"


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: If you think I own anything that is already copyrighted then you my friend are an idiot

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Harry, Ginny, and Voldemort sat, and waited. 

And waited.

Then they waited some more.

In fact they are still waiting.

For what?

"OH COME ON! JUST HOW LONG IS THIS FUCKING TRAIN?" Ginny shouted.

Ya...that's why.

Voldemort sighed and checked his watch. '45 minutes. We've been here for 45 fucking minutes!' He thought and began reading the latest volume of "Make-Out Paradise"

Harry rolled his eyes. "I can't believe you read that trash..."

Voldemort didn't answer, but instead giggled pervertedly as he turned the page.

Meanwhile inside the train.

"Well brother. Here we are. On our way to Hogwarts, where there are many witches and wizards, who study magic. What do you have to say now?" A large suit of armor asked.

"I hate trains..." The short blond replied, crying anime waterfall style.

Another 45 minutes later...

"Finally!" Harry shouted as the train finally passed by. Then he looked around. "Um...why arn't we moving?"

Ginny was twitching in her seat. "Because...we ran out of gas..."

At this Voldemort smack himself. "You left the car running?"

Harry glared at him. "You would have known this if you weren't reading that perverted trash of yours!"

Ginny slammed her head against the steering wheel. "Now how are we gonna get there?"

"Well we could walk. Or hitchhike." Harry suggested.

"Or we could just enter the damn building" Voldemort said, pointing at the Daily Prophet building

Ginny and Harry where looking at the building dumbfounded. "...That works too."

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And tis the end of the chapter, and I am alive. 

BELIEVE IT!!!


	5. Chapter 5

Well I'm alive after all! Yeah sorry about such long updates depression and suicide attempts kinda do that. Anyways here is the new chapter. Believe it!

"Is it safe?" A mysterious voice echoed throughout the Daily Prophet. The guard looked around, trying to find the source of the noise.

"Who's there?" He bellowed out as he continued to search.

"Is it safe?" The mysterious voice shouted yet again.

""I'm warning you!" The guard shouted as he pulled out his nightstick

"Is it safe?" It shouted once more.

"Is what safe?" The guard asked, starting to stutter and shake.

"Is it safe?"

"Yes it's" The guard started to shout before the voice interrupted him. "Is it safe?"

"AAAAAHHH" The guard shrieked in terror as he ran out of the building, his flashlight and nightstick left behind. Harry, Voldemort, and Ginny then entered the building, a smirk on Voldemort's face.

"30 seconds exactly. You both owe me 200 pounds" He said in a smug attitude.

"Fucking bastard" Harry muttered under his breath as he and Ginny paid him the 200 pounds. "Now where do we go from here?"

"It says here take an elevator 3 floors and take the 4th door on the left" Ginny said as she pulled out her copy of the script.

Both Harry and Voldemort looked at the scripted, confused before shaking their heads. They weren't about to break the forth wall. No sir, not them. Nope. They liked the forth wall too much to break it.

"Might as well get going. The faster we get this done the sooner I can get home. I'm missing my soaps" Voldemort said before noticing Harry and Ginny staring at him. "Um...did I say soaps? I mean...er...blast what the hell is that show called....Bleach! Thats it! Yeah Bleach."

"If you say so" Ginny sarcastically said before heading off to the elevator, leaving the two boys behind.

As they followed Harry whispered to Voldemort. "I got it set to record. Did you see last night's episode?"

Voldemort nodded. "I can't believe Roger's fiancée was really his daughter and was cheating on him with Luke!"

Before they could discuss any further they ran into a very angry red head. "ARE YOU LADIES COMMING OR NOT?!" The two ladies, er, boys nodded quickly, and in chibi mode I might add, shaking violently as they just found out the one rule men know to be true.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned


End file.
